I’ve Learnt from my Stillness Deep Within To Explore My Pain….

I use to hear people saying ‘Rebecca lives on another planet’ ‘Rebecca’s in her own world’ ‘ Rebecca does her own thing’ ‘Rebecca may never understand’ ‘Rebecca …’

I was use to feeling like I was on the outside of life, I thought it was normal. I want very one else to be the best they could be if that made them happy. That is how I managed the pain I felt from those commitments above…..

How I felt that pain was numb spacey pain but still deep, it was a present pain something I lived with like a really nice handbag that was very heavy. But because it was heavy and I carried it around with the greatest of ease.

This is a small snap shot at my old views of my internal pain, I was used to living with upsetting and confusing thoughts mixed with isolation, insomnia at times. Having difficulty concentrating and learning was my normal. My normal way of living my life in dissociated state.

Dissociated Living was my normal

I was so good at rules but would snap at some point. The rules where my safety in my confused mind. Holding myself out of life to scared of stepping in…. watching others live.

The pain I went through in the moments, days and years before I was told I had post-traumatic stress disorder are more than I can ever express there are too many….

The relief, the pain that followed the inner knowing this diagnosis was right… relief again and then the shock mixed with an understanding of why I felt so trapped, why my body doesn’t respond to anything negative or positive.

Feeling nervous of going backwards not having the clarity of thoughts to move forwards.. At the same time……

Life isn’t what it what you see, when looking at someone else from your outside to their inside…

I didn’t know I was living with symptoms …. Pain was normal … feeling trapped was normal…

I’ve Learnt from My Stillness

Do you experience those fluttering feelings of fear in your belly?

How does it feel to say your name and not add your job tile or make a reference to your relationship status…

Who are you when you’re not trying to be someone? How does this feel?
If you can be your own definition of amazing? How does this feel?

Can you go 30 minutes or an hour not looking at your phone? How does this feel?
Control of outcomes in our outside lives is fantasy and imagination running wild inside the monkey mind of thoughts..

I’ve learnt and now believe we are here not to relive our hurts over and over again on repeat and rewind ….. we are here to learn to heal from our hurts and life lessons… our emotions are guide to new steps and path ways to creating a different future. Rather than using the same thinking for the same feelings recreating the same result. This is the recipe for more of the same stress the same unhappiness and staying in the same place…

Finding balance with no guilt with our choices helps balance feeling fears, scared and stuck. Feeling acceptance of our emotions meet them with kindness and compassion, so illness doesn’t kick in…. internal patterns learnt from childhood if you weren’t allowed to be yourself on any level. Some of us learnt to get sick to help us get what we need… this is also a survival technique a deep emotional survival technique from the people that Love us..
How’s your gut feeling? Are you feeling down? Or flat…
If you aren’t enjoying what you do… don’t do it..

I’ve learnt Balance is

To dance all night and go to your favourite workout or walk outside
Drink your favourite tipple and drink water a green smoothi or green juice
Eat chocolate (maybe learnt to make your own) and eat kale salads warm when your body needs it and other vegetables that take your fancy….
Wear high heels when you want extra sexiness and walk bare foot when you’re chilling (hopefully on grass)
Move around and so you can find your stillness
Embrace all sides of who you are – what do you enjoy? What brings you happiness?
When you feel high from happiness be brave when you feel low but allow and know it will pass and ask yourself what is this low feeling trying to show me…?

Breath feel – let go — do the next right thing – find a willingness to welcome in a new chapter

Curiosity Loves Company but what happens when you’re running on Empty

Patterns embedded patterns the height of my internal pain that there needs to be felt before any change can come in.

There’s pain like rain drops they just don’t stop falling and nothing changes. I woke at 5 am to start my day with tea, my lower back and hips hurt my heart and the pain of my repetitive thoughts has started. It’s strange living with low or no energy in my time of transition I feel conflicted and my mood remains private inside me. As I smile on cue, turn up on time and laugh on cue.

I’ve learnt living a curiosity on the inside and enquiring with me what works in my life, has meant I’ve craved company of others but the emotional quick sand I was balancing on could keep me under for Days…. Weeks ….. Months …. I have learnt to live in the zone of in between now I’ve left one world and I’ve not fully landed in the new world I craved. I’ve this feeling I’m going to be here for a while but I feel uncomfortable, restless and longing for new experiences.

As much as I’ve craved this peace, this internal quietness I’m over tired and longing for fun. In this confliction and conflicted living how do I priories my self-care and my longing to feel alive and aliveness is missing. Taking timeout of my life, the way I want to live it made self-care seem extreme.

It’s the aliveness in my ordinary life I crave in the very day stuff, to live awake and to try to follow. Rather than control everyday life, in the stillness an irritated feeling is here it this zone of in-between. It’s uncomfortable and I feel I’m going to be here for a while. I’m not use to the feelings that a raise from stillness and being at peace with them. Feeling aren’t facts but they are an awesome guide to what new wonderful experiences to come.

Letting the voices in my head be heard and expressed but knowing they are changing too. This giant hold button on my life I’m now surrendering too. Hoping the new doors of the life I want to open will open but this thinking only of this external fix, only pains me more. And my fear has fire..

Knowing I’m resting allowing my focus is in one direction while rediscovering a state of clear-mindedness. I’m treating my to a trip to India to allow my healing and quieting my mind for clear-mindedness. I’ll be in silence for the next 10 days, I’ll write once I’m back.