I use to hear people saying ‘Rebecca lives on another planet’ ‘Rebecca’s in her own world’ ‘ Rebecca does her own thing’ ‘Rebecca may never understand’ ‘Rebecca …’
I was use to feeling like I was on the outside of life, I thought it was normal. I want very one else to be the best they could be if that made them happy. That is how I managed the pain I felt from those commitments above…..
How I felt that pain was numb spacey pain but still deep, it was a present pain something I lived with like a really nice handbag that was very heavy. But because it was heavy and I carried it around with the greatest of ease.
This is a small snap shot at my old views of my internal pain, I was used to living with upsetting and confusing thoughts mixed with isolation, insomnia at times. Having difficulty concentrating and learning was my normal. My normal way of living my life in dissociated state.
Dissociated Living was my normal
I was so good at rules but would snap at some point. The rules where my safety in my confused mind. Holding myself out of life to scared of stepping in…. watching others live.
The pain I went through in the moments, days and years before I was told I had post-traumatic stress disorder are more than I can ever express there are too many….
The relief, the pain that followed the inner knowing this diagnosis was right… relief again and then the shock mixed with an understanding of why I felt so trapped, why my body doesn’t respond to anything negative or positive.
Feeling nervous of going backwards not having the clarity of thoughts to move forwards.. At the same time……
Life isn’t what it what you see, when looking at someone else from your outside to their inside…
I didn’t know I was living with symptoms …. Pain was normal … feeling trapped was normal…