Patterns embedded patterns the height of my internal pain that there needs to be felt before any change can come in.
There’s pain like rain drops they just don’t stop falling and nothing changes. I woke at 5 am to start my day with tea, my lower back and hips hurt my heart and the pain of my repetitive thoughts has started. It’s strange living with low or no energy in my time of transition I feel conflicted and my mood remains private inside me. As I smile on cue, turn up on time and laugh on cue.
I’ve learnt living a curiosity on the inside and enquiring with me what works in my life, has meant I’ve craved company of others but the emotional quick sand I was balancing on could keep me under for Days…. Weeks ….. Months …. I have learnt to live in the zone of in between now I’ve left one world and I’ve not fully landed in the new world I craved. I’ve this feeling I’m going to be here for a while but I feel uncomfortable, restless and longing for new experiences.
As much as I’ve craved this peace, this internal quietness I’m over tired and longing for fun. In this confliction and conflicted living how do I priories my self-care and my longing to feel alive and aliveness is missing. Taking timeout of my life, the way I want to live it made self-care seem extreme.
It’s the aliveness in my ordinary life I crave in the very day stuff, to live awake and to try to follow. Rather than control everyday life, in the stillness an irritated feeling is here it this zone of in-between. It’s uncomfortable and I feel I’m going to be here for a while. I’m not use to the feelings that a raise from stillness and being at peace with them. Feeling aren’t facts but they are an awesome guide to what new wonderful experiences to come.
Letting the voices in my head be heard and expressed but knowing they are changing too. This giant hold button on my life I’m now surrendering too. Hoping the new doors of the life I want to open will open but this thinking only of this external fix, only pains me more. And my fear has fire..
Knowing I’m resting allowing my focus is in one direction while rediscovering a state of clear-mindedness. I’m treating my to a trip to India to allow my healing and quieting my mind for clear-mindedness. I’ll be in silence for the next 10 days, I’ll write once I’m back.